Fake It Till You Make It

Have you ever walked into a room and instantly developed an overwhelming sense of doubt that you do not belong?  Do you feel like the rug is going to be ripped out from under you the moment the world realizes you are a fake? Does your inner monologue tell you to not go for that job promotion because ‘you probably won’t get it anyway’?  If so, you and approximately 82% of the population have probably experienced some form of imposter syndrome. If you haven’t ever experienced this, you are probably a narcissistic sociopath who needs to look inward.

On the first day of my MBA program, I channeled my inner Elle Woods, wore my smartest outfit and read the Wall Street Journal (which I have admittedly not done since) to catch up on all the latest ‘business’ news.  I took a mental note of my talking points and 1-minute pitch of the last 26 years of my life, only highlighting the most impressive of course.  I thought, maybe now my classmates will think I deserve to be in this program along with them.  Looking back, it pains me to think of the inauthentic bullshit I put myself through in order to fit in.  

I have truly never felt 100% confident in anything that I do.  At my previous job, where I worked for three years, I literally thought I was going to be fired every other day.  When I finally felt comfortable at that job, I decided to get my MBA.  This was where my imposter syndrome SOARED to another level.  Only a few people know this, but I took the GMAT 5 times. That is the MAXIMUM amount of times you can take the test each year.  As a result, before I even got accepted into a graduate program, I was already doubting my intelligence.  Not a great place to start.

Then, once I was accepted into a program, I went into it thinking I got in on a whim or to fill a female quota.  In undergrad, I had received my degree in screenwriting and intentionally chose never to take a business class.  To make matters worse, in grad school, I bombed my first accounting test, and subsequent economics midterm (thank god for the curve). I constantly considered dropping out, if I wasn’t kicked out first.  While I had a great support system, I also had some naysayers who urged me to face reality and take the L.  Good thing I followed my fucking gut on this one.  

Looking back, I did not take into account my previous corporate job that I excelled at, my life experience that gave me resilience or the interpersonal skills I brought to the table.  At the end of the day, I graduated and realized I had every right to be there all along.  If only I was a psychic, I could have saved myself a lot of anxiety and a few less wrinkle lines.

I’d like to think I just have a high sense of humility, but the reality is I lack confidence and self-esteem.   Even though I would rather have a little imposter syndrome than be an arrogant asshole, this twisted mind game has definitely held me back in many scenarios.  Looking inward (which we all love to do), I realized there are a few reasons I struggle with this.  

The main reason is related to my speech.  I have never talked about this publicly (even to some of my closest friends) out of fear of judgment, but I have a stutter.  After A LOT of mindfulness and internal work (kill me), I realized the enormous impact my speech has had on my overall self-confidence.  And from what I’ve been told throughout my life, it kind of makes sense as to why.  

My dream was (and still is) to work in the entertainment industry.  However, almost everyone who starts out in entertainment begins as an assistant.  You can imagine the blow to my ego when I was told how difficult it would be to get an assistant job with my speech impediment.  And, sadly, I agreed! My internal thoughts at the time were, “who would want someone, with high-end cliental, answering their phone who can’t even speak correctly?”.  It sounds very harsh saying it out loud but these were my daily thoughts while applying for jobs. 

When I was 14, I went through a very intensive speech therapy program and had an amazing teacher in my group.  When I graduated from the program, I told an extended family member about her and his response was “wow, a stutterer can be a teacher?”. 

This was a gut punch to my newly found confidence I had just worked so hard to achieve.  Then, when I reverted back to my old speech pattern after each speech pathologist I saw, I considered that to be another failure and, therefore, another drop to my self-esteem. These are just the highlights to the countless comments and road blocks I have received along the way as a result of my stutter.  I am in no way saying this for sympathy or to play the victim card.  I now find my stutter to be my superpower, but it is a reality I face and the main reason behind my lack of confidence.  

Even though I have grown to accept and deal with my stutter, it is still a daily struggle that requires internal pep talks before every interview, phone call and conversation. 

However, I, thankfully, realized early on that I had two choices.  I could either allow my speech impediment to dictate my life or blow that bitch up.  Which one do you think I chose?

But this doesn’t only relate to my speech.  People all over the world are being discriminated against based on the color of their skin, their sexual orientation or a disability that causes them to think they are not deserving of their accomplishments, especially in the work place.  Statistically, women are more likely to experience imposter syndrome over men. In general, men will apply to a job they are 60% qualified for, while most women (i.e. me) won’t apply unless they are 100% qualified.  In the US, 62% of men hold managerial-level positions, compared to the 38% of women that do.  For women of color, it is even more difficult to get ahead in the corporate world.  Even though women of color make up 18% of the population, only 4.6% of them hold corporate board seats.  In fact, only two women of color have ever held the CEO position at a Fortune 500 company.  If women don’t have equal representation in the business sector, of course we are going to feel a sense of doubt entering the C-suite.

I personally believe that conquering imposter syndrome is the difference between reaching for your dreams and staying in your comfort zone. You need to reframe your mindset and rewire the toxic, negative thoughts you have been harboring in your mind your entire life. I have done a lot of internal work to eliminate this imposter bullshit and am still nowhere near the level of confident I hope to eventually be. However, I have learned that it comes down to two things: comparisons and confidence.  

The Highlight Reel

While scrolling through TikTok is one of my favorite pastimes, it can also make me feel pretty shitty about my life and current circumstances.   I am sure many of you can relate to this situation. Rebecca from your hometown posts about her perfect family.  They live in a beautiful home, her children go to private school and her husband, Chad, has his “dream job” at the top investment bank in the country.  What if, in reality, their flawless home is in foreclosure, her kids are monsters and Chad is never home because he’s cheating on Rebecca with his secretary.  While this is an extreme example and hopefully not the case for poor Rebecca, it is a reality for many.  Bottom line is everyone is struggling with something.  You don’t know what any individual had to go through to get to where they are or the obstacles they will experience in the future.   All comparison does is take away from the future of your dreams.  Let that shit go, eliminate the noise and start building your own path.

Confidence is Key

There is no linear path to confidence.  However, I have listened to all the self-help books and inspirational speeches on confidence and they all seem to say the same thing.  You need to find what terrifies you most and keep doing it until you master it.  Well, that sounds worse than running a marathon on Thanksgiving. However, I can talk the talk all day but it won’t mean anything unless I physically walk the walk.  I have the, statistically speaking, biggest fear in the world: public speaking.  Add in a speech impediment and you have the perfect fucking storm.  

I have taken risks, but tend to tread with a huge side of caution.  I have put off doing my podcast out of fear of my speech and the perception of what others might think.  Well, fuck that.  My podcast is officially coming out Feb. 7th.  Welcome to the shit show.