First World Hunger Games

As an insecure millennial who grew up with heroin chic as the ideal beauty standard for women, I have tried practically every diet under the never-ending sky and, in turn, have been unsuccessful in sustaining my personal ‘goal weight’.  I have fluctuated between 15 pounds for the better part of a decade and have never gotten to the point where I am completely satisfied with my body, even at my lowest number which makes me sad today.  The calorie restriction of Weight Watchers and intermittent fasting worked for rapid weight loss, but I always gained back the weight (and then some) within a year of keeping it off.  Oftentimes, my blood sugar would drop throughout the day and caused me to have constant cravings since I was rarely satisfied with my rigid diet.

With my constant fluctuation, I didn’t understand why it was so difficult to maintain a sustainable weight. Upon some deep reflection, I learned that my eating style was either restricting or binging and there was rarely any in-between.  I also didn’t understand or want to deal with moderation (clearly in any aspect of my life for that matter).  In my early twenties, I swore off food with high-fat content, even the healthy ones.  I made sure to only eat 1/5 of an avocado and splurge on nut butters once or twice a week, carefully measuring a tablespoon each time.   Now, society seems to find high-fat diets effective while completely shunning carbohydrates like it’s the town leper.  In response to this, I stopped eating fruit since health gurus seemed to describe it as the seed of satan.  Meanwhile, on a minimal carb diet, I was light-headed, irritable and STILL gaining weight!  This shouldn’t have come as a shock since I was punishing my body by restricting which would ultimately lead to me stuffing my face with food a few days (or hours) later.  I hesitate to classify it as binge eating since it doesn’t fit the ‘typical’ definition.  My therapist categorizes it as emotional eating since I am triggered by boredom, stress, sadness, anger and even happiness at times. 

When I was drinking, my alcohol curbed my appetite.  I would fill up on cocktails and wine, and, as a result, consumed less solid food.  After I stopped drinking, my internal regulator did a full 180 resulting in me gorging myself at times.  I would eat like I hadn’t consumed a particle of food in days.   I physically couldn’t get enough. I compared myself, in the most loving way possible, to a bear going into hibernation.  Most of the time, I was eating nutritious food, but the portions were out of control.  I would eat to the point of pain and, oftentimes, had to lie down and go to sleep.  My gastro problems began to worsen and I was feeling shittier (no pun intended) than ever.

To back track a bit, I have a history of fast eating.  I have had countless people comment on the speed at which I would deliver food into my mouth.  Obviously, it is not the most polite thing to say, but then again, we live in a society where people constantly overstep boundaries so I would just shamefully laugh it off and scream internally.  Just some words of advice in case you didn’t know, don’t comment on people’s eating habits.  It’s unnecessary.  This should also go without saying but don’t comment on people’s bodies either.  It’s not fucking helpful and painfully tactless. 

The first few months of sobriety, I gave myself a lot of grace.  I was experiencing debilitating stomach issues (yes, they came back with a vengeance since we last spoke but more on that in a later post), but I figured it was me adjusting to my new normal and not guzzling poison every night.  It seemed counterintuitive since I assumed the opposite would have occurred but I just went with it in the beginning because I didn’t know any better.

However, around February, my pants were harder to button and my obsessive thoughts over food were starting to take over my mind.  I decided to tell my therapist since the thoughts were becoming harder to push away.  Strangely enough, I had more shame revealing this issue than my alcoholism to her.  I am sure it is partly due to our society’s obsession of being skinny and my personal embarrassment of being unable to control my food intake at times.

She mentioned mindful eating which I had heard of before, but never thought of actually trying it for myself.  As intuitive as it sounded, it was not a magic pill and seemed impossible for me to regulate on my own.  I have never been able to master moderation in any capacity in the past so how the hell would I be able to pull this off now?

For those who have not heard of mindful eating, it focuses on the experience of eating by using body-related sensations, thoughts and feelings around food with heightened awareness. Oh, and no judgment around your meal.  

Seems simple enough, right?  Not for this self-indulgent bitch.  

Not everyone has this problem.  I know many people who enjoy their food, don’t have to finish every scrap and are satisfied by the end.  I needed to get deep and track down why I am like this and my feelings associated with it. 

 For one, I am all about instant gratification.  Good food releases dopamine in the brain, so why would I want to stop feeling good?  Secondly, I have this inner monologue that my food will magically disappear if I don’t eat it fast enough.  It’s truly like the hunger games, but I’m only playing against myself.  No one is trying to take my food away.  It’s not all about you, Katie! Absolute insanity.  And lastly, I hate leaving food on my plate.  I didn’t grow up food deprived, never went hungry, nor was I forced to finish my plate as a child, so I’m not sure where this fear has come from.  But like a lot of things in my life currently, I’m working on it.  

There are many ways to eat mindfully, but here are some of the most effective tips I have found that can be easily implemented even in the most hectic of schedules. 

***These are not an instant fix and require a lot of mental gymnastics at first,  but are worth the leg work. 

• Sit the fuck down.  There have been countless times that I have eaten while I stood, walked and even drove a moving car.  I know eating and driving is not a good look, but your girl is hungry and has places to be. 

But ever since I have made it a point to sit down at a table and actually enjoy a leisurely meal, I have noticed a night and day difference since it allows me to slow down and manage my portion size by chewing my food more thoroughly.

• Chew your food.  This might sound like common knowledge but since I was always in a rush (or so I thought), I never chewed my food enough.  I would sometimes swallow entire pieces of steak like I was a snake preying on a field mouse.  My apologies to any vegans out there for the visual. Chewing your food helps aid in digestion by breaking it down and giving it a chance to absorb the nutrients to metabolize into energy.  In turn, this reduces your calorie intake because your are listening to your hunger cues and not just mindlessly eating.   

• Listen to your body.  Don’t mistake your emotions with hunger.  Are you bored, anxious, or tired?  I always have fresh fruit and vegetables at the ready.  If I just had a large meal and am still feeling ‘hungry’, I have a bowl of carrots or berries to satiate the craving.  9 times out of 10, the compulsion goes away and I’m onto the next anxious thought stirring around in my mind.

• Turn off all devices.  This has been by far the hardest tool to implement since I need to be distracted at all times. 

Personally, it’s super uncomfortable for me to sit in silence at any part of the day, but it’s especially difficult when I’m eating and thoughts of shame come up.  However, when you eat or snack while using a device, you are not concentrating on the food in front of you or listening to your hunger cues. This is obviously challenging to do if you have kids or a busy corporate job and just want to chill the fuck out at the end of the day.  Currently, I designate 3 meals a week where I sit alone in my thoughts.  I am, begrudgingly, working my way to practicing this every meal, but need to set an achievable goal for myself in order to feel good about the progress I am currently making. 

My mindful eating habits are not perfect by any means.  Last Friday, I ended up overeating and felt sick to my stomach for the following 12 hours.  However, I am learning my triggers and the situations I need to avoid when eating.  While I have lost a little weight since I’ve started eating mindfully, the freedom and overall wellness I feel is unmatched. 

As time goes by, I realize I am much more concerned with how I feel rather than the number on my stupid, fucking scale.  Of course, this viewpoint changes if I’m having an off day, but I know I can’t achieve my goals if I don’t feel my best and fuel my body with the nutrients it deserves in order to thrive.