Self-Imposed Martyrdom
I am not sure if it’s obvious, but not much planning goes into these blogs.
Yes, they take many hours to create but since I only write about topics that I’m passionate about at the moment, I typically come up with the grand idea the week before and just go from there. It’s easier for me to write off-the-cuff than it is to have a structured blog schedule. I’ve been this way since I was a child and it’s one of the reasons I’m so uncomfortably content in chaos.
With that being said, I have been wanting to write about a holistic technique for chronic back pain for quite some time and had every intention of doing so this week. However, my back pain came back with a vengeance over the past month and I feel like a fake-ass fraud writing about healing, when in reality, I’m aging faster than an 80-year-old coal miner.
Let’s backtrack a bit. I have had chronic lower back pain since November of 2021. I wish there was an epic story or even a funny drunkapade that caused my injury, but to the dismay of everyone reading this, it was neither. I hurt it at the gym, using a weight-lifting machine, the back pro extension to be exact. While I will always curse the day that machine was built, I most likely was the cause of my own injury. I have done extensive research on it and there aren’t any stories similar to mine so, unfortunately, I can’t sue.
Nevertheless, it caused me crippling pain the day after I used this machine from hell and I’ve been dealing with the repercussions ever since. The pain comes and goes, but ever since I saw Taylor Swift last month, the pain has gotten progressively worse due to my AGGRESSIVE jumping and dancing for 3 and ½ hours. I obviously have zero regrets from that night and would do the exact same thing ten times over, but I immediately knew that your girl fucked up BAD midway through the show. I have been managing with ibuprofen, heating pads and stretching, but it’s like putting bandaids on a bleeding-out gunshot wound. Needless to say, it has barely made a difference.
Last week, I was so distressed by my body not working the way I wanted. In full transparency, I am still upset, but working through it. I felt an overwhelming sense of discouragement, hopelessness, and anger all at once. I quickly became Dr. Doomsday and started to panic that I would always be in pain. How will I cope down the road? Will I need surgery 5 or 10 years from now? Am I doing more damage to my back everytime I walk? I am only 31, how will I deal with this my entire life? These worst-case-scenario thoughts became all consuming and resulted in me feeling sorry for myself. Once the pity coaster of self-loathing starts, it’s almost impossible to get off unscathed.
Shortly after I was getting adjusted to the anxiety, anger entered the chat. I started to ruminate on how my life, for the past two years, has been a constant search of finding the perfect balance of happiness and health. The fact that I am not a ray-of-fucking-sunshine every morning is infuriating. While I was on this rapidly declining negative express train, I also became overwhelmed by my mental health. I need to constantly manage my sanity and regulate my emotions with the payoff being only a few minutes of peace at a time. Am I missing something internally or is there something about me that will always be a little off? Okay, don’t answer that. But seriously, does anyone ever operate on all cylinders? I’m not even looking to feel 10/10. A solid 7/10 like 70% of the time would be lovely. Enter the world's tiniest violin.
For those of you still with me and not turned off by my dark, inner monologue, we’re now moving on to a solution. When my mind gets weighed down by the negative self-talk, my internal regulator immediately turns on fight or flight and physical symptoms of anxiety start to develop. My heart starts to race, my stomach gets uneasy and I become dizzy. I believe it’s my body pushing me to keep going and reminding me not to settle for mediocre health.
I decided to share this with some close confidants and one of them brought up a possible solution I have been hearing a lot of recently…meditation. After informing her that my doctors ruled out any possible breaks, disc issues and fractures, she suggested that I get more in tune with my body and listen to what it needs. We haven’t done a collective eye-roll in a while, so let’s do one now.
I feel like all I do is look inward and work on myself. Honestly, it gets old when you don’t see the results you want or backpedal with your recovery. However, like most things in my life, I judged too quickly and projected my issues on her without understanding what she actually meant.
Now, I have tried (not very well) to meditate many times and come out of it annoyed and irritated. I don’t know much about meditation but I do know, without a shadow of a doubt, that that is not the desired outcome. I have an all-or-nothing mentality which means that if I can’t do something well and with ease, I don’t want to try it at all. This has obviously held me back in a lot of regards and meditation is on that list.
However, I have been interested in this practice for quite some time since I am desperate to learn how to quiet my mind. There have been many times, especially this past year, when I want to turn off my brain and silence the million thoughts I have going on at any given moment. It’s much easier, in the short term, to throw yourself a pity-party and complain about your current situation than it is to actually put the work in and deal with the issue at hand. Out of sight, out of mind used to be my motto and I ran with it.
With all this meditation chatter going on around me, I wanted to do some personal research to find out why it’s so transformative. I learned that meditation keeps you focused in the physical moment, increases self-awareness, helps lower blood pressure, and improves sleep quality. It can also help with heart disease, migraines, depression and, two of my most prevalent issues at the moment, chronic pain and irritable bowel syndrome. I’ve tried everything else, so why the fuck would I not give this a whirl?
Simple Tips For Meditation From An Amateur Monk-In-Progress
Focus on mindful breathing
This seems obvious since everyone needs to breathe in order to live. But mindful breathing is a game changer in calming the body. I practice diaphragmatic breathing which requires you to expand your stomach when you inhale and contract when you exhale. It has talked me out of countless panic attacks and is definitely worth a try if you struggle with anxiety.
Create a quiet, comfortable setting
You don’t have to have a breathtaking backdrop with sound baths and crystals in Bali in order to meditate correctly. You can be in a dark room with a loud air conditioner and mouse traps surrounding you and still find peace. Trust me, I know from personal experience.
Find a relaxed position
I honestly prefer lying down, since it’s easier on my back and I like dozing off whenever I can. But you can sit, stand, walk or drive while meditating as well. The world is your oyster, my friend.
Don’t judge yourself
Go in with an open mind, allow yourself to make mistakes and do not strive for perfection. Find what works best for you, give yourself a chance and let all your preconceived bullshit go.
Starting Monday, I will be doing a meditation series. I know, quite the departure from my typical work. I expect it to be cringey AF at first but, hopefully, with time, it’ll seem like a natural progression of sorts. Either we’ll become zen bitches together or we’ll have some free comedy at my expense. Make sure you follow me on Instagram at @katiebreunich and TikTok @katiebreunich to not miss a day of what is sure to be an entertaining and (hopefully) beneficial series.
