Who needs a partner when you have OCD?
Last night, I only set 1 alarm as opposed to the 4 I normally set since I was overly tired when I went to sleep. As a result, I overslept my alarm and was late to work. According to the logical part of my brain, this was merely a coincidence and likely due to exhaustion. However, the OCD part of my brain is compounding me with thoughts like “if only I had set those four alarms, I probably would have woken up on time.” I will most likely be thinking about this all day and will get anxious right before bed in fear that I will oversleep again. OCD, also known as obsessive-compulsive disorder, is a vicious cycle that shows up differently for everyone affected.
Note: The number “4” will recur throughout this post. Ever since I started to be mindful of my OCD, I realized I was doing things in groups of 4. One type of OCD is compulsive counting. I researched this phenomenon and learned that the number 4 is “comforting” to people with OCD since “it’s an even number and has good mathematical properties.”
In all honesty, I did not do too much outside research beyond personal experience on this topic because I was nervous that I might be triggered by what I read and, in turn, develop a new topic to obsess about. It’s also important to note that there are different types of OCD- 4 to be exact. Fuck my life and that fucking number. Most people associate OCD with a sense of perfection and organization. For those who know me, I live and thrive in chaos. I don’t even have a calendar. On the outside, I wouldn’t seem like someone who struggles with OCD which is why mental health is SO HARD to identify.
OCD doesn’t magically show up overnight. For me, it grew slowly, like a tumor (more on that later), in subtle ways until it manifested into physical symptoms that were impossible to ignore. OCD first welcomed itself into my life when I was around 9 years old, right after my parent’s divorce. I would HAVE to tell them ‘I love you’ after every phone call JUST in case they died in a fiery car crash or of a sudden heart attack. I was terrified that if I didn’t tell them, they would die and I would blame myself for the rest of my life.
Fast forward to my senior year of high school when shit really hit the fan. Around 50% of mental health disorders show up by the age of 18 so I was par for the course. Symptoms also tend to arise during periods of change and high stress, which is basically my entire life. I remember the evening vividly. It was a Wednesday night and I was watching American Idol. I honestly wish I was watching a better show to distinguish this pivotal life moment but it just adds to the trauma. I started to feel tingly sensations in my extremities and numbness in my legs. As much as I tried to ignore it, my symptoms quickly worsened. This was when I first found the devil’s den- WebMD. Searching my symptoms on this dark hole of dread led me to a myriad of diagnoses. WebMD should honestly come with a trigger warning. Throughout the period of about twenty minutes, I convinced myself that I had multiple sclerosis, ALS, and Parkinson's disease all at the same time. I would be the first triple threat of its kind.
However, my heart sank when I began to develop every symptom of a brain tumor. Along with the tingling and numbness sensation, I started to experience blurry vision and even convinced myself that I had a bump on my head. I now know that most brain tumors are internal and can’t be felt externally. But at the time, I was convinced I was a goner. As a true narcissist, I started to imagine how sad people were going to be at my funeral. It got dark which seems to be the theme of my life.
By this point, I had scared the living hell out of my dad who brought me to the doctor the following morning. Even after my doctor ruled out the dreaded brain tumor and confirmed it was 99% anxiety, I insisted on a CT scan to rule it out completely. You know, for peace of mind. They obviously didn’t find anything, although the radiation from that scan will probably give me some form of cancer in my later years.
Much to my initial dismay, I was prescribed Prozac and Xanax on the spot which, in hindsight, was a godsend. Another wild discovery I learned about anxiety disorders is that it can present itself through real, physical symptoms. The tingling and numbness I experienced were my body’s response to the anxiety in order to help regulate my soaring cortisol and adrenal levels. This was strangely reassuring since it confirmed that I was indeed feeling those symptoms and they were not a figment of my imagination. While the medication (thankfully) helped eliminate the physical symptoms, the mental thoughts were, and are, still very much alive and well.
My clinically-diagnosed hypochondria would continue for the next 10 years. One specific flu season, I became paranoid about getting sick and would take 4 (there’s that fucking number again) straight apple cider vinegar shots daily. All this did was burn my esophagus and probably dissolve a layer of my stomach lining. I also became extremely hygienic, almost to a fault, and was a full-on germaphobe. I would wash my hands and then immediately put antibacterial on just to make sure all the germs were killed. Fun fact: I flew with masks on years before Covid was a thing. I was one of the only people with extra masks during the mask shortage of 2020 because I had them stashed for my next trip.
My life was fucking exhausting and I was slowly becoming a prisoner of my own mind. OCD is an overachiever and can manifest itself in many different forms and obsessions. The two I’m working on right now are the need to pee 4 times before bed and my acne (more on that in a later post.) I need to completely empty my bladder before bed and typically count for 4 seconds. Again, this probably sounds “crazy” to anyone who doesn’t suffer from this disorder, but for those who do, it can be mental torment. Luckily, I can count in my head silently so no one has to know I am doing it. This is why mental health is considered a silent disease. Even the ones closest to me didn’t know the extent of my obsessive thoughts.
Almost 12 years later, I still suffer from OCD and feel like I will always need to manage it. It has definitely improved with medication and with help from my brilliant therapist, Jennifer, who I have been seeing for the past 5+ years. I am currently taking Lexapro, which has been a life-changer for me (especially during the pandemic.) One of my biggest fears with medication was that it would make me ‘dull’ and ‘uninteresting’. However, I now believe it gives me the tools to live authentically, without all of the ruminating thoughts.
Unfortunately, I have found that medication only works to a certain extent. The best and, honestly, hardest advice I have ever received was to allow the intrusive thought in and sit with it. Acknowledge it’s there but don’t give into it. It can feel like fucking torture, but it does get easier each time. It’s mental gymnastics trying to retrain your brain. There are definitely days where I regress if I’m too tired or just don’t want to deal with it. I’m learning to give myself a break, to not be so hard on myself and to try again the next day.
A lot of people have told me to try meditation but, right now, I would rather eat glass than be alone with my thoughts. In all seriousness, I am going to eventually try it and you best believe I will document the sure-to-be hot mess of a situation.
If you suffer from any mental health disorder, it’s so important and helpful to know you are not alone. While it’s reported that over 20% of U.S. adults suffer from mental illness, I am sure there are plenty more who are undiagnosed or don’t know the signs. I am always available to chat but if you want to talk to an actual professional with, ya know, experience, visit https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline or call 1-800-662-HELP (4357).
