Exercise Your Inner Demons

Every year, it’s the same old routine.  Like clockwork, I allow myself to eat (and drink) everything in sight until I feel absolutely terrible and filled to capacity.  With the help of my good friend, rationalization, this time is typically spent guilt-free since I tell myself that my healthy lifestyle will commence after New Years.

Why is it that we all think bad habits will just magically disappear on January 1st?  In the past, I have been lured into joining highly-advertised exercise plans, signed up (and actually paid) for motivational texts to be sent to my phone each morning (dark) and started, and subsequently quit, Weight Watchers approximately 5 times.  And why wouldn’t I? There are promotions at every turn practically offering these services for free.  But be sure to check the fine print or you might find yourself locked into a year long-commitment that you will most likely give up on by February.  Pessimistic?  Sure.  But realistic? Sadly, for many (me included) true as the sky is blue. Trust me, my credit card has done the cardio work.

Two of the top New Year’s resolutions people have are to eat better and to exercise more often.  In a not-so-shocking turn of events, reports show that many people give up on their resolutions by the third Thursday of January or around the 17th of the month. Society has such little faith in us, that Foursquare invented a “Fall Off Your Wagon Day” when people officially give up on their goals altogether. I just know a “Karen” is the analyst in charge of collecting the data for these reports.  

Since exercise is literally one of the best things you can do for your mind and your body, why is it so fucking hard to commit to it?

Well, for one, exercise can be a pain in the ass. Literally and figuratively.  You need to exert energy, you might get injured in the process (more on that later) and it can be as tedious as watching paint dry.  No matter what anyone says or how many so-called endorphins are released while exercising, there are days I would rather drink bleach than work up a sweat.  Okay, maybe diluted bleach, but poison nonetheless. 

Along with the, at times, exhausting nature of working out, there might also be a psychological component as to why some people straight-up hate exercise.  According to a study in the Journal of Health Psychology, if your main motivation to work out is based on body shaming yourself (guilty as charged) or body dissatisfaction, chances are you are going to dread it even more. 

For most of my life, I exercised for two main reasons- 1) to lose weight or 2) to maintain weight.  If I missed a gym day, I would feel like shit and subconsciously label myself as “lazy” or “unmotivated.”  Looking back, I almost feel bad for how hard I was on my body and how unhelpful those negative thoughts were in reality. It wasn’t until a couple of months ago when I reframed my thoughts around exercise that I began to actually look forward to it.  As preachy as it may sound, and my apologies for that, mindset is everything and can make or break your exercise resolution.  Like Kim did with Kayne, leave the body shaming in 2021.  

Throughout my twenties, I always wanted to be a runner.  The effortless smile many runners have while running in 20-degree weather was truly aspirational to me. However, after training for three months, I am convinced runners are a bunch of liars because I literally despised every moment of it.  I was in my own personal hell that I created FOR MYSELF.  Absolute madness.  I never experienced that euphoric feeling many runners talk about, incessantly I might add.  I even tried envisioning a serial killer chasing me as motivation, but I quickly succumbed to the pressure.  A tip to anyone trying to kill me: hire a runner as your hitman.  It’ll be a quick and easy job. Safe to say, I quit this fever dream of mine forever.  

Luckily for me, I quickly learned about the benefits of low-impact exercise, which can be just as effective, if not more, than high-intensity workouts.  If you find that high intensity workouts work for you, then keep them coming.  I envy your vigor.  But if you curse the day group cardio was invented, the following workouts might help you start (and continue) to get your move on.  

Walk, Don't Run Your Way To Better Health

Up until recently, I thought that running was the best form of physical activity you could do.  Thankfully, I quickly found out that power-walking is not only much easier on your joints, but it also has similar effects to running if you exert a similar amount of energy; like a trimmer waist, stronger immunity, and improved heart health to name a few.  Walking, especially outside, can be transformative to your mental health and increase your creative input up to 60%.  I get a lot of the ideas for my blog on these walks, so you can thank (or blame) this outdoor activity for my weekly words of unwarranted wisdom.   

Namaste The Shit Out Of 2022

Yoga is one of the most overlooked exercises in my humble opinion, with me being the most ignorant offender of all.  When I used to practice yoga in college, I would convince myself that I needed to do some type of cardio afterward for my “actual work-out”.  Reflecting back on that time, I was the strongest I had ever been and never suffered an injury.  Fast forward to today, I sometimes wake up in an 80 year-old’s body with aches and pains in places I didn’t even know existed. 

It’s no secret that yoga is known to be amazing for your mental health, but it also can be transformative to your physical health by improving your flexibility, increasing your strength, and protecting your cardiovascular health.  You don’t have to be an ayahuasca-drinking, yogi master to reap the benefits of yoga.  There are many different levels making it accessible for anyone to try. There are free classes on Youtube you can test out to see if yoga is the right exercise for you so there’s literally no excuse to NOT get your vinyasa flow on. 

Strong Is The New Skinny 

I know this will come as quite the shock, but I am the biggest amateur when it comes to lifting weights. Earlier this month, I had been lifting weights for a week and threw my lower back out.  I couldn’t get out of my car without writhing in pain.  Initially, I was nervous that there was actually a tumor on my spine which was exacerbated by the weight lifting, only worsening the situation.  The tumor isn’t completely ruled out, but I’m working through it. 

Hypochondria, you exhausting bitch.

While I don’t have much experience with weight lifting, the one week I tried it was great.  Each time I lifted the dumbbell, I felt anxiety being expelled from my body.  If you’re looking to get leaner, strength training has been shown to burn belly fat and increase your metabolic rate which, in turn, burns calories. For overall health, weight lifting improves heart health, strengthens your bones and reduces your risk of developing type-2 diabetes.  I mean, I doubt The Rock struggles with his blood sugar levels with a body like that. 

To ensure you don’t end up injured, like the rocket scientist I am, I would HIGHLY recommend hiring a personal trainer for your first few sessions.  Also, STAY CLEAR OF THE BACK EXTENDER MACHINE.  You might as well call up Christian Grey if you want to experience that type of pain.