Is it hormones or am I just an asshole?

It’s a recurring question I ask myself on the daily, “is it hormones or am I just an asshole?” Depending on who you ask, I would say both are true.  However, this post is not going to list all my bitchy tendencies since that would be a novel and nobody has time for that.  What it will do is give you some insight on whether you can blame your hormones for your attitude or if you need a hard slap in the face.  Disclaimer: If you are a man who gets “uncomfy” around period talk, this might be the post to skip. Jakey seems like that type of boy if I’m being honest.

Up until the ripe old age of 25, I found the stereotypical PMS references of irritability, intense hunger and terrible stomach cramps to be a bit of an exaggeration.  The scene from No Strings Attached with Natalie Portman used to stand out to me as a painfully out-of-touch depiction of a woman on her period.  She was looking flawless and crying over a sappy mixtape.  I mean, let’s give women a little more credit than that. 

However, around four years ago, I began to exhibit similar symptoms (besides the stunning looks and Ashton Kutcher bringing me takeout) that I foolishly thought I managed to bypass. A few days before my period would start, I would have radiating pain down both my legs, intense bloating, back pain and, the real bastard, irritability.  Literally, every little thing would piss me the fuck off.  If someone was driving too slow in front of me, I would tailgate their ass until they moved over (okay I still do this.)  If someone was being a little too chatty one day, I would either quietly abort the conversation or just straight up tell them I’m uninterested.  Lord, help the baby who cried within 50 feet of me.  I’m not proud of this behavior, I just couldn’t be bothered by the annoyance of it all. 

Then, around 10 months ago, I stopped getting my period.  And before you ask, no, there was NO way I was pregnant.  My homeopathic doctor recommended I take a hormone test to see what was going on.  She explained how women are having a harder time getting pregnant these days since they are waiting later in life to start a family.  I have no plans to get pregnant anytime soon, or maybe ever, but I wanted to make sure there weren’t any red flags in case I decided to have one down the line.  I decided to go off birth control for a few months before taking the hormone test in order to get the most reliable read. *It is important to note that I was very hesitant to go off birth control, which I have been on since I was 16, since it drastically improved my acne.  However, my skin was pretty clear at the time I decided to go off of it, so I figured, how bad could it get? 

Let’s just say that my skin was glowing for about two months, and then, what seemed like overnight, all hell broke loose on my jawline.  I will be diving deeper into adult acne in a later post, but thought it was important to note my entire experience in hopes of being completely transparent.  

Results

About three weeks after I took the test, I was sent a packet of my results (which was practically in a different language) with confusing flowcharts and medical terms not even Google could help me understand.  I will try my best to summarize it in laymen’s terms- a.k.a. dumb it the fuck down.   

While my androgen and progesterone results came back normal, one component of my estrogen test came back abnormal.  My cyp1b1 gene (which sounds like a fucking robot from Star Wars) is reactive.  If this gene is not detoxified, 4-OH-E1, also known as the “bad” estrogen, can bind to it and possibly become cancerous.  I still don’t fully understand what this means, but my doctor said she’ll take care of it so I’m following her lead on this one.

The next result will come as a shock to absolutely NO ONE. My cortisol levels were off-the-charts high (hold your gasps).  This test required four urine samples -1 right before dinner (6pm), one right before bed (10pm), one right when you wake up (6:30am) and one two hours after (8:30am)- so it’s pretty reliable when tracking your hormone levels throughout the day.  My cortisol tracked highest right before bed which now makes sense since that’s when my OCD is at its worst.  To add fuel to the fire, my cortisol metabolites (the shit that helps absorb cortisol) were below the average range they were supposed to be in order to metabolize the active cortisol and inactive cortisone.  Bottom line: there was lots of cortisol living rent free in my body with no where to go.  Why is high cortisol bad? It can lead to chronic fatigue, weight gain and, the kicker, PMS.

Helpful Tips And Tricks

If I’m being honest, I was at a bit of a loss after leaving my doctor’s office because there weren’t any clear-cut issues a magic pill could fix. My high cortisol was “lifestyle related” and the reactive gene required a long-term detox regimen-which I’m still currently on. 

So you know what that means...MORE FUCKING SUPPLEMENTS!

I started on a methylation and glutathione detox.  I’m starting to feel like Walter White with all this chemistry talk.  For those who don’t know, which I’m sure is the vast majority, methylation is instrumental in breaking down toxins in the body and producing glutathione.  Glutathione is a powerful antioxidant which aids in the detoxification of the liver. 

- Glutathione Booster- this not only works to detox your liver, but it also supports your immunity and digestive tract all at the same time.  

-Amino D-Tox -this supplement prepares your liver for detoxification by conjoining toxins for safe and effective elimination. 

DGL Pregnenolone- this is the only hormone-related supplement I take and has helped improve my overall mood.  It has been shown to convert progesterone, a hormone released by ovaries, through different metabolic pathways to help regulate your menstrual cycle and PMS symptoms.  

Chasteberry has been shown to also help alleviate PMS symptoms. Some research suggests it even works better than Prozac at eliminating fatigue and bloating associated with your period. There is not a ton of evidence to back this up, but many naturopaths consider chasteberry the holy grail of PMS supplements so it’s worth a shot. 

Diet

It wouldn’t be a wellness article if I didn’t bring up the importance of diet in relation to your hormones.  It’s already been established that sugar is the devil and that factory-raised meat is filed with more antibiotics than your local pharmacy. Well, I’m about to piss off cheese lovers with this one- dairy is not helping you out either. 

I eliminated dairy a few years ago because of the negative gut reaction I experienced every time I ate it.   Not only does dairy contain estrogen that can trigger mood-altering effects, but it also has cancer-causing properties that have been linked to breast, ovarian and prostate cancer.  Digestion-related, between 30-50 million Americans are lactose intolerant so if you have issues with your digestion, dairy might be the culprit.  I realize that is a huge fucking range, but that’s because not all intolerances show up on blood work and many people are undiagnosed.  

The Au Naturale Cocaine

Let me be clear- I still drink coffee, much to the dismay of my doctor, every day.  It’s something I refuse to give up, but hey, we can’t all be perfect.  Not only does caffeine affect your hormones, but it also heightens your adrenaline and dopamine.  This will make you feel great in the moment, but in reality, caffeine is feeding your stress hormones, leaving you with a major mood and energy crash hours later on.

This brings me to my final takeaway.  Midol used to be my main bitch.  Who doesn’t love that jittery feeling the moment the caffeine (60 mg to be exact) kicks in.  While it helps with the initial symptoms, Midol is only a bandaid that lasts around 5 hours.  The caffeine acts as a diuretic which also helps eliminate the bloat from your period.  While I used to consider Midol a gift from God, it only masks your symptoms and doesn’t deal with the root cause of your PMS.  Midol is not going to kill you and does effectively ease your immediate symptoms. But if you want to figure out the real reason you feel like a moody bitch in excruciating pain every month, it might be time to rip off the bandaid and take a deeper look.