Make Sure Your Boundaries Are As Ironclad As Your Inevitable Divorce Settlement

It’s the most wonderful (and anxiety-producing) time of the year!  With the great food, gifts and non-stop merriment, also comes the existential dread of intrusive dinner table conversations.  Whether it’s Aunt Karen commenting on your weight or Grandma Joan asking about your current relationship status (yes, I’m still single) in front of the entire family, we’ve all been there and it’s fucking annoying.  Did you know that instead of sitting there and taking it like Rocky in his final round, you can ‘politely’ (and figuratively, of course) tell everyone to fuck off? 

If you are one of God’s favorites and never experienced this FBI-level of questioning, have you ever done something out of obligation and felt resentful the entire time? With the holiday season in full swing, now is the best time to discuss one of the most difficult (in my humble opinion) communication techniques to achieve- boundaries.  

Growing up, I desperately wanted to be liked by everyone.  Who am I fucking kidding, up until this past year I wanted to be liked by everyone.  In response to this, I went to great lengths to ensure that everyone else was comfortable and happy around me, while I neglected my own boundaries in the process. There was not a silence I couldn’t fill or a self-deprecating statement I couldn’t make in order to put someone else at ease.  Even though it was a fucking energy suck, I felt this strange sense of relief knowing that the other person was comfortable even if I was hanging on by a thread.  

Being a child of divorced parents, I always felt a massive amount of guilt growing up and splitting my time between them 50/50.  I had zero boundaries what-so-ever and did everything in my power to ensure they both felt valued.  **It is worth noting that my parents are the best and neither of them ever made me feel guilty for spending time with the other parent.  However, it was an intrinsic feeling I constantly had that I know other children of divorced parents also experience.  It wasn’t until I went through hours of therapy when I realized that this was a burden I should not have taken on.

How do you set boundaries and maintain them? 

I am currently going on my 7th year of therapy and am still trying to figure this out.  The daily internal struggle is real.  Part of the reason why building boundaries is so damn difficult is because you don’t want to be a completely selfish jerk.  If you go through life ONLY doing things that make you happy, not only are you probably a sociopath, but you will also isolate yourself and end up alone, which is obviously not a path to lifelong happiness (at least for the vast majority of people.)

The following will not work for everyone but has been helpful to me along this ever-evolving journey (ugh):

Start Saying No.  I used to agree to everything- familial and friendship-related- in an effort to appease the people in my life.  I needed approval in order to fill some insecure void I acquired in seventh grade when I had no friends and ate lunch with my English teacher. 

By never saying no, I was constantly spread too thin.  I found myself having internal resentment when I would do things I didn’t want to, which only grew over time.  By ignoring my boundaries, I found that my valuable time with these people, the most important in my life, became unfulfilling and stressful.  Again, there is a fine line with this.  You can’t say no to everything or you’re going to be alone with your cats for the rest of your life.  I’m sure that sounds great to some, but for me, it’s not ideal.  I have found that by being more selective and listening to your gut when you are too tired or not in the mood to hang out, makes the time when you do see your friends and family that much more enjoyable and genuine.

Be Assertive.  Passive aggressiveness is literally my least favorite quality in a person.  I would rather you tell me you despise me to my face than be a fake snake behind my back.  While expecting this from others, it’s imperative I hold myself accountable with my transparency as well.   When I first started building boundaries, there was a noticeable shift in my personality.  Because of this, I started to share with the people close to me that I am working on myself and that the change in me has nothing to do with them.  This way, the pressure is off of you and the power is now on the friend/family member to decide if they want to deal with this change or not.

Limit Toxic Exposure. I didn’t implement this until recently, but you don’t owe anyone an explanation or response. If Aunt Karen and Grandma Joan are making you uncomfortable, you have every right to make them red in the cheeks as well.  Next time someone questions your relationship status, try saying “I’m super uncomfortable discussing my personal life in such an open setting.”  While It might be awkward AF in the moment, it will get you out of answering a question you don’t want to. 

This might be controversial, but I think it’s perfectly fine to block out people who are detrimental to your mental health.  If you feel bad about yourself or uneasy around someone, no matter how long they have been in your life, it’s more than okay to limit your communication with them.  You only have one life to live, so why live it dealing with assholes.  

Consistency Is Key.  Creating boundaries is fucking difficult and is a touch-and-go process.  If you are human, you will occasionally let your guard down and your boundaries will get infiltrated.  Since I have been working on setting boundaries for years, I get a visceral, adverse reaction when they are compromised. However, I quickly check myself and start building that wall right back up.  Consistency is paramount in setting boundaries because it lets the people know your expectations of the relationship.   

Bottom line- If you have lived your life with little-to-no boundaries, you are going to come across as a selfish asshole when you start implementing these tools.  It will be such a departure from your normal self that some people will have a problem with it.  The great part about this is you will start to realize that not everyone is going to like the new you, and that is TOTALLY okay.  By putting yourself first, you will learn which relationships add to your life and which deplete from it.  As long as you are a good person and don’t purposefully try to hurt people, your conscience will be clear.  If protecting your mental health results in disappointing someone, then pass them a tissue and see yourself out.  It’s not worth it.